L A Miz
by The Lark
Summary: Yep, it's another story with the Les Miz characters in modern times. Written very late at night.
1. Chapter One

L. A. Miz

By: The Lark

Disclaimer: The usual--I don't own Les Miserables or anything else you recognize. Now you can't sue me. Heh heh heh…

It was a typical day in LA, in a calm, harmless-looking alley, when without warning…

Les Amis: AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

__

…a band of nineteenth-century French revolutionaries fell out of the sky

Les Amis: *thunk*

Enjolras: *pushes Grantaire off of himself* GET OFF OF ME, YOU IMBECILE!

Joly: *pulls his head from a trash can* Owwwww…*notices contents of said trash can* _Gah_! Disinfectant! I need disinfectant!

Bousset: *pulls his head from his own trash can* Ooh--there's part of a sandwich in this one! *pulls out half a sandwich* I haven't eaten since those pigeons ate my grocery money.

Feuilly: *scratches his head* What is that awful noise?

__

*They curse and cover their ears as an SUV drives by. Its stereo is turned up so high that the ground is vibrating*

Grantaire: *knocked out from the fall, now begins to wake up* Is there an earthquake?

Jehan: *rubs the sides of his head* My ears feel funny. And what kind of wagon was that?

Bahorel: It was very brightly colored. Maybe they were gypsies?

Enjolras: Sitting around here guessing isn't going to do us any good! If we don't get back to the café by tomorrow, we'll be late for the revolution!

Grantaire: *rolls his eyes from his seat in the gutter* How are we going to find out where _it _is? We don't even know where _we_ are

Enjolras: *kicks Grantaire* This is obviously a plot by the government. Someone must have blabbed about the revolution, and they dumped us here to keep us quiet. Well, we'll outsmart them yet! *bangs on a trash can lid to get their attention* Alright, everyone, we're going to split up and see what we can find. We'll go in pairs. Joly, you go west with Laigle. Combeferre, you go east with Jehan. Feuilly, you go north with Bahorel, and Courfeyrac, you go south with…*trails off, scowling* Where's Pontmercy?

Marius: *voice echoing from a large blue dumpster* You know, this- *pauses to read the label* …Dump-ster is a lot more roomy than my current apartment. I wonder if the proprietor would be willing to sell?

Enjolras: Pontmercy, get out of there.

Marius: *tumbles out with a banana peel on his head and some unidentifiable stringy stuff on his shoes* Hey, you're here too? *clutches dumpster wall possessively* I saw it first: it's mine!

Courfeyrac: *pleadingly* Couldn't I just go alone?

Enjolras: Don't blame me, Courfeyrac, he's _your_ friend

Bousset: *starts west* Come on, Joly. Joly?

Joly: *being licked by a very large and grungy dog* _Get it off! Help!_

Marius: *pets dog* Hi! My name's Marius, what's yours?

Dog: *barks*

Marius: Walter? Well, that's a fine name. Do you know which way the Rue de la Verrerie is?

Walter: *bark, bark*

Marius: What do you mean? *leans in closer*

Walter: *ruff*

Marius: *gasp* No! *to Courfeyrac* Walter here tells me that we've somehow ended up in twenty-first century America!

Courfeyrac: *grabs Marius by the collar and drags him off* _You are embarrassing me!_

Walter: *scampers along behind them*

Combeferre: Jehan, are you coming?

Jehan: Yeah, yeah…

Enjolras: Well, I guess now that everyone's all partnered up, that leaves me with…*glances around, finally realizing that he and Grantaire are the only ones left* Oh man!

Grantaire: *sniffs the air* I'd love to stay here and make some kind of withering retort, but I smell hard liquor *follows the scent* 

Enjolras: Thank God--I'll go on by myself *marches around the corner, bumping right into a gentleman in an archaic-type robe* Oh, excuse me, Father…*trails off* Hey, wait a minute. You're not a priest. 

The Priest: *smiles* In the traditional sense, no.

Enjolras: *scratches his head* I beg your pardon?

The Priest: Ah, inquisitive. Well, my dear…what was your name?

Enjolras: Enjolras.

The Priest: Pleased to meet you, Brother Enjolras. My name is Brother Zaurak Triangulum. Tell me, have you ever wondered what the purpose of life is?

Enjolras: Of course not! The purpose of life is to bring liberty, equality and fraternity to all mankind. And maybe to get myself a solo number while I'm at it. Everyone knows that!

Triangulum: *eagerly* Liberty, equality, and fraternity? Well, in that case, I think you'd make a perfect recruit for the Ancient Mystic Society of Olgorgolia.

Enjolras: Olgo-who?

Triangulum: It's a new cult--er, religion--founded by a couple of college kids in need of beer money. All you have to do to join is say a quick oath and give us all your worldly possessions. You'd fit right in. Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity is our motto.

Enjolras: *annoyed* Is not. It's the motto for the French Revolution! 

Triangulum: *shrugs* So we plagiarized a little. Big deal. Who's gonna notice--a bunch of dead Frenchies? *snigger* What are they gonna do? Come back from the dead and throw their berets at us?

Enjolras: *getting that old obsessive look in his eye* How dare you? Nobody steals our slogan and gets away with it! 

Triangulum: *backs away* Uh…uh…

Enjolras: *raises his carbine* Get back over here and fight, you infamous coward!

Triangulum: *runs for his life* _Heeeeeeeeeeelp!_

Enjolras: Oh no, you don't! *chases him*

__

Meanwhile, someplace nearby…

Gavroche: *falls from the sky, landing on the roof of an apartment complex* Ugh. Lemme guess. I've been tossed into another fanfic.

The Lark: 'Fraid so

Gavroche: *gingerly rubs his head* Well, can you at least find a more comfortable way of sending me to different dimensions? Why not just use a portal or some kind of magical beam of light? *glances around* Where am I, anyway? Last thing I remember, I was running down the street with that idiot inspector chasing me.

Javert: *comes crashing down next to him* Gamin? Gamin? *spots Gavroche* There you are! *seizes him by the shoulder* Cut off my ponytail, will you?! *removes his hat, revealing an unusually short haircut* I'm going to lock you up and throw away the--!

__

His threat is interrupted by the arrival of a SWAT team

Police Officer Number One: Alright, freeze! *turns his gun on Javert*

Police Officer Number Two: Put the kid down!

Police Officer Number Three: We got a call from a lady in the building across the street saying that there was an incident of child abuse occurring on this roof. Looks like we got here just in time.

Javert: Child abuse? What?

Police Officer Number One: *leads Gavroche down the stairs to a squad car* There, there, son, don't worry. We're going to take you where he can't hurt you anymore.

Gavroche: *insulted* I'm not scared of any star-gazing, snuff-sniffing old fool!

Police Officer Number One: Of course not, kiddo *pats his head* Aw, isn't that cute? Such a resilient little fellow! 

Gavroche: *tugs at the handle of the car door* Let me out of here!

__

To be continued…


	2. Chapter Two

****

Chapter Two

Grantaire: *slumped on a barstool* Another shot of brandy, and make it quick. God, have you been watering the wine or something? I've been drinking for half an hour straight and I'm still sober!

Bartender: Don't you think you've had enough, sir?

Grantaire: *seizes him by the collar* Don't make me hurt you

Bartender: *hastily obeys* Okay, okay… 

Grantaire: *swallows the glass in one gulp* More

Bartender: I hope you're not planning to drive like this?

Grantaire: No. I never drive *shrug* But even if I did, I'm sure the horses would be able to figure out where to go without me.

Bartender: *raises an eyebrow* Are you sure you're still sober?

Grantaire: *pauses to check his vision* Yes. Now, hurry up!

Bartender: *sigh* Well, before you pass out, could you at least pay your bill?

Grantaire: Yeah, yeah, yeah…*fumbles in his pocket* How much--three francs? Four francs? *hands him the money* Here you are--keep the change.

Bartender: *staring down at the nineteenth-century French coins in his hand* Is this a joke?

Grantaire: *is engrossed in a vision of dancing pink elephants and can no longer hear him*

Bartender: All right, that's it…*grabs him by the belt and drags him outside* And don't come back!

Grantaire: *face down in the gutter* Mmm, this gutter must be a newer model. This concrete really soaks up the impact when I land. And the skid factor is virtually non-existent *staggers to his feet and finds a young lady standing over him*

Lady: *looks him over* Are you okay?

Grantaire: *snort* Other than a concussion and a slight case of alcohol poisoning, yeah

Lady: My name is Penelope Hickenlooper. What's yours? 

Grantaire: That depends. Are you with that bill collection agency?

Penelope: No *shakes her head sadly* You know, I used to be just like you. Sleeping in the gutter, spending all my money on alcohol, getting stoned and going off into mind-numbing tirades about dead Greeks…

Grantaire: Hey, the green faeries happen to find my tirades entertaining!

Penelope: …But then, I heard a voice

Grantaire: *eyeroll* Oh, _merde_…

Penelope: Come, come and hear!

Grantaire: That's the biggest heap of drivel I've ever heard in my life, and I listen to Enjolras every night

Penelope: Well!

Grantaire: But you're hot, so I'll come anyway.

__

Meanwhile, somewhere across town…

Jean Valjean: Come along, Cosette. We've got to find a church!

Cosette: Why?

Jean Valjean: To ask forgiveness for whatever we did wrong, of course! Obviously, God has sent us on this journey into the future as a punishment for our sins.

Cosette: *hits her head against a wall…repeatedly* Daddy, how many times do I have to tell you? Not every evil in this world is a divine rebuke directed at you. I mean, come on. All you did was steal forty sous and a piece of bread.

Jean Valjean: *gaping* How did you know about that?

Cosette: I read it in your diary. *pulls a book out of her pocket* It was kind of hard to avoid--you left it right out in the garden where any innocent bystander could have come along and opened it up, assuming that it was a clandestine message from her secret boyfriend.

Valjean: *sniffle* It's not a diary--It's a journal

Cosette: *sigh* Don't worry, Daddy--it's not like there was anything interesting in there anyway. *opens the book and reads* May 15th, 1832...How wretched I am… May 16th, 1832...How wretched I am… May 17th, 1832...Today I saw a caterpillar…May 18th, 1832, How wretched I am…

Valjean: Give me that!

Cosette: Why should I? You snoop in mine all the time.

Valjean: That's ridiculous. You change your hiding place so often I can almost never find it

Cosette: Grr! *tosses the book at him* 

Valjean: Look! There's a priest! He'll know what to do! 

__

He points at none other than Brother Zaurak Triangulum, running down the street with an enraged Enjolras at his heels

Enjolras: *his carbine held over his head* _Allons enfants de la Patrie! Le jour de gloire est arrivé!_

Triangulum: *looking very frightened and out of breath* Man, next time I need cash, I'll just play it safe and run a telemarketing scam!

Cosette: *Uh…he seems to be busy

Valjean: Keep looking, then. We've got to find someone to absolve our sins before it's too late

Cosette: Daddy, for the last time, nobody cares about your little sins

Valjean: Well, maybe it's _your _sins, then!

Cosette: My sins!

Valjean: Well, if it's not mine, then yours must be causing the problem.

Cosette: Nonsense! I'm perfect--Marius says so all the time.

Valjean: *frown* Marius? Who's Marius?

Cosette: *trying to think up a story* Uh…I--uh… *bolts in the opposite direction* Bye!

Valjean: Cosette! Get back over…*sighs miserably* Well, now what am I gonna do? Oh, how wretched I am!

__

A **real **priest taps him on the shoulder

Priest: Are you okay, man?

Valjean: Praise le bon Dieu! *kneels before the priest* Could you please absolve me of my sins? I've learned my lesson, honest!

Priest: Huh?

Valjean: Could you be quick about it? I really need to get back home

Priest: Well, I'd be happy to give you a lift. Where do you live?

Valjean: Fifty-four Rue Plumet

Priest: *confused* Rue Plumet? I don't think I know where that is.

Valjean: Of course not--it's in Paris

Priest: My, you _are_ a long way from home. Would you like me to help you find an embassy?

Valjean: No, no, I doubt that would help. You see, I'm actually from the year 1832, but apparently God has sent me into the future for some reason.

Priest: *feels his forehead* You don't have a fever. Have you been smoking something funny?

Valjean: Of course not

Priest: Riiiight…well, don't worry. I'll know a place where they'll give you all the help you need.

Valjean: *bows politely* Oh, thank you, kind sir!

Priest: No problem *takes out a cellphone and whispers covertly into it* Hello, Los Angeles Mental Hospital? This is Father Jeff MacGuire. Could you please send an ambulance to the corner of Main and Second Street? Thanks.

__

A white van with a red cross on it pulls up, and two men in scrubs jump out

Orderly Number One: Right this way, sir.

Valjean: *climbs inside* Thank you, kind sir. This whole ordeal has just--*pause* Wait a minute. What's that horrible clattering sound?

Orderly Number Two: Oh, that's a patient we picked up earlier today. He was really getting on our nerves, so we tossed him in the cupboard for the rest of the ride. 

Valjean: What? Are you sure he's got enough air in there? *bends down and opens the cupboard door* Wait a minute…is that…?

Javert: *blink, blink* 24601? 

Valjean & Javert: %$#@!

__

To be continued…again


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

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Gavroche: *in the back of a child welfare van, unusually clean, dressed in cutesy Osh-Kosh overalls and a smiley-face t-shirt* Where are you taking me next, Mademoiselle Jennifer? Are you going to get my hair put into ringlets and bows now, or have you decided to be merciful and shoot me?

Jennifer: *a blond social worker with a perky voice* Oh, stop that, you look very nice, Gavin.

Gavroche: *looking very perturbed* It's Gavroche *aside* God, I hope I don't run into Navet while I look like this. I'd never hear the end of it!

Jennifer: Here we are! *opens the van door to reveal a street full of identical tract houses* Come on, Gabriel, it's time for you to meet your new foster family!

Gavroche: It's Gavroche! 

Jennifer: *rings doorbell* Mr. Trimble? Mrs. Trimble?

Mr. Trimble: *opens door* Well, hi there! *pleasant smile* Come on in!

Gavroche: *follows him inside, taking in the art-deco style room with a raised eyebrow*

Jennifer: This is the little guy I told you about. Remember? The little homeless boy who they rescued from the abusive schizophrenic?

Gavroche: *indignant* I am _not_ homeless! I live in the elephant!

Jennifer: *lowering her voice* Oh, right, I almost forgot. He's kind of…um…"special" *clearing her throat* Well, I'll let you introduce him to the rest of the family. *hugs the squirming Gavroche* Bye-bye, sweetie!

Mrs. Trimble: *enters* Hello there, you must be little Gaspar!

Gavroche: *on the verge of explosion* _It's Gavroche!_

Mrs. Trimble: *thoughtful* I don't know if I'll be able to pronounce that. *to her husband* Why don't we just call him Fred while he's here?

Mr. Trimble: Fred it is! *hugs him* Welcome to the family, Fred!

Gavroche: *with a glare worthy of Enjolras himself* Listen lady, I happen to be the close associate of a society of armed fanatics, and if you don't take me back to Paris this instant, I'll see to it that they hunt you down and--

Mrs. Trimble: *cuts him off with another hug* Aww, little Freddy has such a wonderful imagination. Isn't that special?

Mr. Trimble: *musses his hair* You and our son Timmy are going to have such fun together! *to his wife* Come on, let's introduce them *leads Gavroche down the hall into a brightly colored room* Timmy, say hi to your new brother, Fred!

Timmy: *sitting on the floor, his face about two centimeters from a TV screen*

Mrs. Trimble: Timmy? *waves a hand in front of his eyes*

Timmy: *bats it away, mumbling inaudibly, his eyes still fixed on the TV*

Mrs. Trimble: Uh, that means hi.

Gavroche: What's with him? *pokes Timmy with a nearby plastic sword, failing to elicit a response* Has he got brain fever or something?

Mr. Trimble: *laughs* Oh, no, that's just the way he watches the TV. 

Mrs. Trimble: Well, we'll let you two get acquainted. I'm sure you'll become very good friends.

Mr. Trimble: *shuts door* Play nice, kids!

Gavroche: *sigh* Well, I expect I'd better just play along for now *shakes Timmy* Hey, _mome_! Wanna go break some streetlights?

Timmy: *in monotone zombie voice* Shh…TV on…

Gavroche: *quizzically* What's so interesting about staring at some box, anyway? *sits down next to his foster brother. His eyes immediately begin to glaze over* Mmm, look at all the pretty colors…

__

Meanwhile, at the Los Angeles Institution for the Criminally Insane…

Javert: *laced up in a straight-jacket* You can't do this to me! *tries to rattle the bars of his cell, but can't get his hands free* 24601, get over here and rattle these bars!

Valjean: *shakes his head* Inspector, you've been at that door yelling at the poor orderlies for over an hour now. Give it up.

Javert: You are my prisoner! Or you will be, as soon as they give me back my handcuffs. Do as you're told!

Valjean: *sitting serenely in the corner* Settle down, Inspector. You know, perhaps if you would show a little more patience and cooperation, they wouldn't have had to tie you up in that jacket in the first place.

Javert: Just shut up! *takes a seat in the opposite corner* Why are you in here, anyway? *sarcastic* Steal another loaf of bread?

Valjean: No. *frowns bewilderedly* All I did was ask a priest for redemption. Honestly don't they have penitents here in the future?

Javert: Redemption? *scornfully* There is no redemption for convicts!_ For if you fall, as Lucifer fell, the flame! The sword!_

Valjean: *sniffle* I know *with tears in his eyes* Did you have to remind me? Oh, how wretched I am!

Javert: Stop that! Don't try to soften me up, Valjean. It didn't work in the novel and it's not going to work now.

Nurse: *taps at the door* Quiet down, you two. You're getting another cell mate, and I don't want you to drive him any crazier than he already is. *opens the door, to reveal..*

Orderly: *shoves a very familiar patient inside* Guys, this is your new roomie, Mr. Marius Pontmercy *shuts door*

Marius: *yells through the bars* Hey, that's Baron Pontmercy! *recognizes Valjean and turns very pale* Uh-oh…

Valjean: You again! *flies at Marius* I'll teach you to hold my daughter's hand!

Marius: *claws at door* _Help!_


	4. Chapter Four

****

Chapter Four

Mr. Trimble: *pokes his head into the playroom* Timmy? Fred? Dinner's ready

Timmy and Fr--er, Gavroche: *glued to the TV* Shh. TV…

Mrs. Trimble: Aww, isn't that wonderful? Look at how they're bonding!

Mr. Trimble: *contented sigh* Yep. We've got this parenting thing down cold. 

Timmy and Gavroche: Shh. TV…

Mrs. Trimble: Well, they don't seem to be hungry. But they really ought to meet the new girl who arrived this morning.

Mr. Trimble: You're right. Come on boys *bends to pull them away from the TV, but they just cling to the carpet* Uh, maybe we'd better bring her to them.

Mrs. Trimble: Good idea. *calls over her shoulder* Margaret! Come and meet your new little brothers!

Eponine: *trudges into the doorway, wearing a jean jumper with flowers on the front pocket* How many times do I have to tell you? My name is Eponine! Are all of you mad?!

Mr. Trimble: Aw, Margaret has such spunk. Isn't that special?

Eponine: Ugh. Well, they're better than my old parents, though that's not saying much.

Mrs. Trimble: Well, we'll leave you to get acquainted with the boys. *they leave*

Eponine: *flops down on the floor beside Timmy and Gavroche* You momes wouldn't happen to know a way out of…wait…Gavroche?

Gavroche: *dazed* That name…it sounds so familiar…Who is this Gavroche?

Eponine: *shakes her brother's shoulders violently* Gavroche!

Gavroche: You must be mistaken. My name is Fred, and…oh, wait…I remember! *blink* Eponine? Is that you?

Eponine: Yes! Gavroche, how long have you been staring at that contraption?

Gavroche: I dunno. Is it still April?

Eponine: *looks tired* Gavroche, we've got to get out of here!

Gavroche: *snicker* Good luck

Eponine: What, you mean you're not even going to try?

Gavroche: I already did. Trust me, it's a lost cause.

Eponine: Since when do you give up so easily? *shakes her head* Well, I'm leaving, with you or without you

Gavroche: Good luck. *snort* You'll need it.

Eponine: *opens the window and starts to climb out* AGH! *tumbles back inside* Gavroche, all the houses look the same!

Gavroche: Yeah, I know. I hear that this is something called a homeowner's association

Eponine: But how are we going to find our way out? We'll never be able to tell where we are.

Gavroche: Tell me about it! I tried to run, and ended up wandering in circles for two days *puts his feet up* Face it, Ponine. The best thing to do is just sit back and wait for the author to get sick of updating.

Eponine: *puts her face in her hands* Could things possibly get any worse?

The Trimbles: *their voices echoing from down the hall* Welcome to the family, Colette!

A Familiar Voice: For the last time, my name's Cosette!

Eponine: Oh, merde…

__

A seedy looking alley

Triangulum: *panting violently* I think…I…lost him! *sinks to the ground* Whew! That guy's plain crazy! *fans himself with his hat*

Joly: *dashes past, glancing over his shoulder anxiously* Run, Bousset!

Laigle: It's alright, Joly--I think we lost them

Joly: *leans against the wall, trying to catch his breath* That was close *wipes his forehead with a handkerchief* Let's rest here for a moment

Laigle: *sinks to the ground* Oh, hello! *smiles at Triangulum* I'm Laigle…or something along those lines…of the fundamentalist militia Les Amis de l'ABC. What's your name?

Triangulum: I am Brother Zaurak Triangulum, Shaman Second Rank, of the Ancient Mystic Society of Olgorgia.

Laigle: Pleased to meet you. This is my friend, Joly. Are you okay? You look like someone's been chasing you

Triangulum: So do you

Laigle: Yes, I know *darkens* You want to explain to the man, _Joly?_

Joly: For the last time, it wasn't my fault!

Laigle: *wearily* You disguised yourself as a patient and snuck into the hospital without paying.

Joly: Well, what was I supposed to do? I needed medical attention and these futuristic doctors won't accept payment without something called an insurance card *getting bitter* Apparently, a bushel of eggs or prize chicken isn't good enough for them anymore.

Triangulum: Medical attention? What's wrong with you?

Joly: I've got SARS!

Triangulum: *involuntarily leans a little farther away from him* What makes you say that?

Joly: Well, I'm sneezing and coughing like mad, and I've got a terrible fever. Feel how hot my head is!

Laigle: Joly, we've been running for almost an hour. Of course you're hot. And you didn't start sneezing and coughing until you saw that news headline about the epidemic.

*to Triangulum* He did the same thing during the cholera scare.

Joly: Shut up!

Laigle: *ignores his friend* So, what are you hiding from?

Triangulum: *glances around nervously* Well, this crazed French guy with a carbine is hunting me for some weird reason

Joly: *suspicious* This fellow you mentioned…what did he look like?

Triangulum: Tall, blond hair, funny looking vest--

Laigle: Why, that's Enjolras!

Triangulum: *grows very pale* You know him?

Joly: He's our leader, of course

Laigle: And if he's after you, you must have insulted the Republic. *nods to Joly* Let's get him!

Triangulum: Dear Lord, they're everywhere! *bolts down the alley*

Joly: He's getting away!

Laigle: After him! *runs for it*

Triangulum: AGH! *crashes right into Enjolras*

Enjolras: It's the infidel! *siezes him* Laigle, Joly, good work!

Laigle: What're we going to do with him?

Joly: Let's cough on him! *evil laugh*

Triangulum: Help! They're insane!

*A black car pulls up and two suits in dark glasses step out*

Suit Number One: Is there a problem here, gentlemen?

Triangulum: Get the cops! These guys are trying to kill me!

Suit Number Two: And who are you?

Triangulum: *starting to sweat* Uh…I…

Laigle: His name is Zaurak Triangulum

Triangulum: Shh!

Suit Number Two: Triangulum? *to Enjolras* Good work, young man! 

Suit Number One: *flashes an ID badge* I'm Agent Faldo, and this is Agent Flinders. We're with the FBI. This con man has been on our most wanted list for months now. 

Flinders: *cuffs Triangulum and shoves him in the car* Let's go, shaman.

Triangulum: NOOOO!

Faldo: *to the Amis* That joker has eluded the best agents our bureau has to offer. You did an impressive job.

Flinders: Boys, how would you like a job with the FBI?

Enjolras: FBI? Is that some kind of police force? Some elite band of thugs who terrorize the poor? 

Flinders: You'd get to carry a gun

Enjolras: Really? Hmm….

Laigle: *grabs Enjolras' arm* Quick, Joly, he's getting that glimmer in his eye again!

Joly: *grabs his other arm* Let's get out of here!


	5. Chapter Five

****

Chapter Five

Cosette: *banging on the door of Timmy and Gavroche's playroom* For the last time, I don't want any more parents! For heaven's sake, I've had five already!

Eponine: *looking bored* Give it up, Lark. We've tried everything--these people are just insane.

Cosette: But why have they brought us here?

Eponine: They think we're orphans who need to be taken care of.

Cosette: That's ridiculous! We're not children! Why, I'll be a married woman as soon as I can talk Papa into letting me leave the house!

Eponine: *rolls her eyes* 

Cosette: Wait a minute…*lights up* That's it! *begins to feel along the sides of the walls* No…*taps at the wall* No, no good…no…Aha!…whoops, no…begins to crawl alongside the walls, tapping as she goes*

Eponine: Ugh. I can't believe I was thrown over for this loon.

Cosette: Hush! You'll thank me when we're all free!

Eponine: *to her brother* Gavroche, what is she doing?

Gavroche: *still in a trance before the TV* Mmm…Pokemon…Pixie Sticks…action figures…

Eponine: *sigh* It's tough being the only sane one in the room. *turns back to a project she's been using to pass the time--a bunch of love notes to Marius made of letters she cut and pasted from various magazines*

Cosette: Aha! Here we go! *pushes one of the large planks in the wall aside* Heh heh! Come on, let's get out of here!

Eponine: How did you know that was there?

Cosette: Every house has a good place for sneaking out--you just have to know where to look. How do you think I kept my sanity back home? If I'd really spent the past nine years with no one but St. Valjean and that old lady with the stutter for company, I'd be in the nuthouse by now! Come on, let's go!

Eponine: *her dormant hostility rising to the surface* I'm not going anywhere with you, you man-stealer!

Cosette: Man-stealer!

Eponine: Yes, man-stealer! Don't play dumb! I'm talking about Marius!

Cosette: I didn't steal him! He chose to become my stalker of his own free will!

Eponine: You see! A stalker! He's perfect for me! And then you had to come in and ruin everything!

Cosette: Did not!

Eponine: Did too!

Cosette: Did not!

Eponine: Did too! *shoves Cosette*

*A scuffle involving a lot of scratching and hair pulling ensues*

Gavroche: Hey, keep it down! Some of us are trying to learn to play Nintendo!

*Somebody (it's hard to tell who by this point) knocks him over)*

Gavroche: *clutches his head, shutting his eyes tightly* Something---familiar---about this! Gamin instincts…taking over! *jumps into the fray*

Cosette: Ow! Eponine, stop!

Eponine: Not until you let go of my neck!

Cosette: What are you talking about? I'm not choking you! And quit pulling my hair!

Eponine: I'm not pulling your hair!

Cosette: *suspicious* Wait a minute…*They pause long enough for the dust to clear, revealing Gavroche with his fists raised*

Eponine: Gavroche!

Cosette: Oh, I'm so sorry, little boy!

Eponine: Are you alright, Gav?

Gavroche: *now properly dirty and ragged, smiling broadly* It's so good to be back to normal! *goes over to a wall mirror to make sure his hair is messy enough*

Mrs. Trimble: *opens door* Children? I heard noises. *looks them over* Have you kids been fighting? That's it--you've earned yourselves a time out. And there'll be no after-school softball for a week!

Eponine: *backs away slowly* Uh, Lark, can we put our personal differences aside just this once?

Cosette: *hastily* Yes!

Gavroche: *eagerly waiting with a coil of rope* Yippee!

*The three advance on their poor foster mother in unison, stuff a handkerchief in her mouth, tie her hands together, and stuff her in the fold out sofa*

Mrs. Trimble: Help! Timmy, sweetheart, call 911!

Timmy: *rises and walks over to the counter*

Mrs. Trimble: *hopeful* That's it! That's it! Good boy!

Timmy: *picks up the remote and wanders back over to the TV*

Mrs. Trimble: NO!

Cosette: *claps her hands* Hey, we make a pretty good team

Eponine: *shrugs* Yeah, I guess you're not so bad after all

*They shake hands*

Gavroche: *ushers the girls toward the escape passage* Good, good everyone's all friends, now let's get out of this dump! *pauses to grab several Pixie Sticks as they all duck out*

__

Back at the nuthouse…

Javert: *standing guard over Marius with a nightstick he has somehow managed to smuggle into the cell* Stay back, 24601

Marius: *with a death-grip on Javert's sleeve* Th-th-that's right…good inspector…protect the nice young bourgeois gentleman…protect the nice young bourgeois gentleman…

Javert: *sigh* Monsieur Pontmercy, would you please let go of me?

Marius: *blushes* Well, I suppose…*takes another glance at the rabid Valjean* N-no! *tightens his hold*

Valjean: *rolls his eyes* Oh, please. The inspector is no match for me! I've beaten him up loads of times

Javert: *reddens* Tell the world, why don't you?!

Marius: *his eyes pinched shut* Protect the nice young bourgeois gentleman…protect the nice young bourgeois gentleman…

Valjean: *raises an eyebrow* Nice bourgeois gentleman? Don't make me laugh! I've read all about you in Cosette's diary. You're a revolutionary!

Javert: *rounds on Marius fiercely* You what?

Marius: I--

Javert: *advances on him menacingly* Why, I ought to--

Valjean: Let's get him!

Marius: I--I--

Javert: You keep out of this, 24601! He's _my _prisoner!

Valjean: *sarcastic* Right, right. Just like I'm your prisoner.

Javert: Don't ever mock me in front of my other prisoners! *jumps on Valjean*

Marius: *leaps to his defense* Hey, you can't treat my beloved Cosette's father like that!

Valjean: *fuming* Beloved!? Why you little--AGH!!! *tackles Marius*

Marius: Eck! *turning a lovely shade of blue* Help! *kicks and sputters helplessly*

Javert: HEY! Stop that! I don't get my bonus if I my prisoners aren't delivered intact! *rushes at them*

Doctor: *opens cell door* What is the meaning of this?

Valjean: *his hands around Marius' throat* He's been flirting with my daughter!

Javert: *his hands around Valjean's throat* He's been mocking the law!

Marius: *cough* *wheeze* 

*A squadron of orderlies with baseball bats manages to pry them apart*

Doctor: *frazzled* I know what might do us all some good. A nice round of group therapy

Javert: No!

Valjean: No!

Marius: *mumbles unintelligibly through an oxygen mask*

Doctor: It's all settled, then! *smiles* I'll see you in the therapy room in ten minutes. *closes door* That'll give me time to get a drink beforehand…

__

Ten Minutes Later…

Doctor: Alright, for starters, let's have everyone get up and say his name

Marius: But, Doctor, we already know each other

Doctor: Shut up. I just got out of med school. I'm trying to follow the agenda they had in the textbook

Marius: Is that why you're reading off of your hand?

Doctor: *takes a deep breath* Why don't you go first? *points to Valjean*

Valjean: *stands* Alright, well, I'm Jean Valjean…among other things…*sits*

Doctor: Hello, Jean. Pleasure to meet you. And you? *points to Javert*

Javert: *rises* I'm Inspector Javert *sits*

Doctor: And what's your first name?

Javert: *mumbles*

Doctor: I beg your pardon?

Javert: *sheepish* Kalderasha-Stevo!

Valjean: Kalda-who?

Javert: *defensive* Well, what did you expect? I'm a Gypsy, you know.

Doctor: *pats Javert on the back soothingly* It's a very nice name. *gestures to Marius* And you?

Marius: I'm Baron Marius Pontmercy

Doctor: Pleased to meet you. So, what seems to be the problem between you three gentlemen?

Valjean: He's been flirting with my daughter! *jumps on Marius*

Javert: He's been mocking the law! *jumps on Valjean*

Marius: *cough* *wheeze* 

Doctor: Jean, Marius, Kalderasha-Stevo! Please! We've been through this already! *pulls them apart* Now, one at a time. Jean?

Jean Valjean: *growls* That damned boy is trying to steal my daughter!

Doctor: Now, now, he has a name, Jean.

Valjean: *grates the name out under his breath* Marius is trying to steal my daughter.

Doctor: Thank you *beams* Now, Marius, why are you trying to steal Jean's daughter?

Marius: *sniffle* I'm doing no such thing! For heaven's sake, I just want to marry her, not kidnap her!

Valjean: Oh, really? You could have fooled me, running around stalking the poor little darling for a year!

Marius: Well, maybe if you didn't lock her away like a prisoner, I wouldn't have had to become a stalker!

Valjean: I was hoping that certain persons would realize that I installed the locks for a reason and take the bloody hint!

Marius: Well, I'm supposed to be the romantic hero! I have to fall in love with _someone_!

Doctor: *claps his hands* Good! Very good, gentlemen, I think we've made some real progress. Now, on to *looks at his clipboard* Kalderasha-Stevo. Kalderasha-Stevo?

Javert: *sulkily* 24601, he--

Doctor: *shakes a finger sternly* Now, what did I tell you about names?

Javert: *glare* Valjean broke the law

Doctor: *pause* And?

Javert: And what? He broke the law! End of story!

Doctor: Well, what does that have to do with you?

Javert: I am a representative of the law. It is my job to see that he is punished.

Doctor: Well, yeah, but do you have to drive yourself into the nuthouse in the process?

Javert: You sound just like my mother.

Doctor: Ahh. Interesting. What about your mother?

Javert: She didn't have any respect for the law either! Good thing I got away from her before…before…*his lower lip begins to tremble*

Valjean: Javert? Are you okay?

Javert: *sobs into his straight jacket*

Doctor: What's the matter? Did something happen between you and your mother?

Javert: N-no *sniffle* I was just thinking…about when…she…died! *bawls pitifully*

Marius: *pats Javert on the shoulder* That's rough. I know how you feel. My mother's dead, too.

Valjean: *sniff* Mine too! *scoops them both into a hug* Aw, shucks!

Marius: I feel strangely close to you two!

Javert: Me too! Aw, come here, guys…

Doctor: I think we've had a breakthrough!


	6. Chapter Six

Chapter Six

Fantine: *sitting on the pavement, crying*

Some Passerby: *taps her shoulder* Hey, are you okay? What's wrong?

Fantine: *sniffles* What's _not_ wrong? My boyfriend broke my heart, I've been reduced to prostitution, and I miss my daughter. Now, on top of all that, I've died and gone to Hell! *burst into a fresh bout of sobs*

Passerby: What are you talking about? This isn't Hell. It's just L.A. *gives Fantine a weird look and walks away as quickly as he can*

Fantine: *stops crying* You mean, I didn't die? But how?

The Lark: Because this is the humor category, and I'll raise any dead person I want!

Fantine: Oh great. It's that sadistic fanfic author again. What kind of horrible plans do you have for me today?

Suit Number Three: *taps her shoulder* Excuse me, ma'am? We represent the Oprah Winfrey Show…

The Lark: *evil laugh*

Fantine: The what?

Suit Number Four: Haven't heard of it?

Suit Number Three: *to his partner* Hey, maybe she's too poor to afford a TV. Perfect!

Suit Number Four: *to Fantine* We're always on the lookout for pathetic stories to showcase. We couldn't help overhearing you…

Suit Number Three: So, would you be interested in appearing on our show?

Fantine: *smiles apologetically* Maybe some other time. Now that I'm up off my deathbed, I have to go and find my poor daughter.

Suit Number Three: Just leave that to us.

Suit Number Four: *helps her into his car* Come on. Let's get her to the hair stylist. Maybe if we hurry, we can still salvage this *motions to Fantine's unevenly hacked hair*

Fantine: I don't want--

__

The two suits are chattering loudly into their cellular phones and can no longer hear her

Fantine: I have a bad feeling about this

__

Back at Valjean, Javert and Marius' cell in the nuthouse:

Javert: *crying loudly into Valjean's sleeve* And then, after my little brother was born, my parents threw me out of the house!

Valjean: *sniff, sniff* That's so sad. You never told me you had family

Javert: Oh, I don't anymore. My parents died a long time ago, and I hear my brother left home the second he was old enough in order to avoid the disgrace of being a convict's kid. I think he changed his last name to Enjolras or something. *wipes his eyes* He tells all his friends that he's an only child, and rich.

Valjean: I know how that goes. That's why I never told my daughter about my horrible past

Javert: *hugs Valjean* It's so much easier to understand each other now that we've learned to communicate freely, isn't it? 

Marius: *sitting in a corner, watching the crying and hugging with a look of distaste* Guys? Are you through yet?

Valjean: *hugs Javert* I never stopped to think that your obsessive compulsive disorder could be a cry for help. I'm so sorry!

Javert: No, I'm sorry!

Valjean: No, I'm sorry!

Marius: *turns his face into the corner* If they don't shut up soon, I think I'm going to have to make use of these rubber walls

Javert: No, I'm sorry!

Valjean: No, I'm sorry!

Marius: *his eyes bloodshot, looking very fried* Guys? Now that we're all friends, don't you think we ought to start thinking about a way to get out of here?

Javert: *dries his eyes* The boy's right. Valjean, any suggestions?

Valjean: *shrugs* I don't know. I guess that, being an escaped convict, I should probably have some ideas, but… *sniffle*

Javert: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply--

Valjean: No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that you were trying to put me down

Javert: No, I'm sorry!

Valjean: No, I'm sorry!

Marius: *sigh* It looks like it's up to me *paces thoughtfully* I've got it! Monsieur Fauchelevent? Inspector Javert?

Valjean: It's Monsieur Valjean now. I've decided that it's bad for my self-esteem to keep denying who I am. *smiles proudly*

Marius: Um. Okay. Anyway, I think I have a plan. Can you two create a diversion the next time they open our door?

Valjean: No problem.

Javert: Sure

Marius: Excellent. I have a contact on the outside who'll help us. *goes to the window* Walter!

Walter: *sitting faithfully under the window* Ruff, ruff

Marius: Yeah, I know. Listen, I need you to go to the guard at the door and bring me the keys he keeps on his belt.

Walter: *scampers off* Ruff

Marius: I knew I could count on you.

Javert: *lifts an eyebrow quizzically* Uh, what's with the dog?

Marius: What? *defensive* Walter's the only decent friend I've ever had. He doesn't laugh at my politics, or make fun of me for having a girlfriend like my other friends do.

Valjean and Javert: *shrug*

Walter: *returns with a ring of keys in his mouth*

Marius: *reaches through the bars on the window and takes them* Thanks *pats his head*

The Doctor: *enters cell* Good evening, gentlemen. Guess what time it is?

Javert: *brightens* Is it time for that "America's Most Wanted" show again?

The Doctor: No. Time for your nightly sedatives. *opens a briefcase full of syringes and begins to sort through them*

Marius: *clears his throat loudly*

Javert: *looks embarrassed* Oh, right. Let's see, a diversion…

Valjean: I've got an idea. Javert, give me your nightstick

Javert: *clutches the nightstick protectively* What for?

Valjean: Javert, this is important *pries the nightstick out of his hands*

Javert: Hey!

Valjean: *hisses* Not now! *starts toward the doctor*

Javert: *tackles Valjean* You lousy thief! I should have known you hadn't changed

*Yet another scuffle ensues*

The Doctor: Ugh. Not again! *pushes a button on the wall, summoning two orderlies*

Javert: Let me at him! *kicks the orderlies trying to restrain him*

Valjean: Now look what you've done! You're going to be put into another straight-jacket, all because of your silly temper!

The Doctor: Gentlemen, just settle--*suddenly slumps to the floor*

Marius: *standing over the doctor, holding the nightstick* Heh heh heh…*to the orderlies* Anybody else want to be a hero?

__

The orderlies scurry away like scared bunnies

Valjean and Javert: *gape at him*

Marius: *shrugs* Hey, I don't just sing love songs, you know. *hands Javert the nightstick* Now, let's get out of here! *unlocks the door and runs for it*


	7. Chapter Seven

****

Chapter Seven

__

The mental hospital has erupted into a riot. Valjean, Javert, and Marius are trying to fight their way through the chaos, with little luck.

Javert: *dodges various projectiles and debris* Valjean, you idiot, why did you have to unlock all the other cells on the way downstairs? We could have been out of here by now!

Valjean: But they all looked so pitiful, stuck behind those bars. You know I can never say no to someone pitiful.

Javert: *disgusted* This is why you'll never---*ducks as a lamp comes flying toward his head* Damned lunatics! That's it! *raises his nightstick and begins beating a path toward the nearest exit* Move it! Coming through! Get out of my way!

Valjean: *follows* Sorry about him *smiles apologetically at the wounded inmates*

Javert: *shoves Valjean* Shut up and move! The sooner we get back to Paris, the sooner I can put you back into prison where you belong.

Marius: *follows Javert and Valjean with Walter at his heels* Sure is a relief to see them getting back to normal, huh Walter?

Walter: *ruff*

Javert: *reaches the front door* Finally! *unlocks it*

Enjolras: *bursts through the door, wearing dark glasses and a submachine gun* Not so fast!

Valjean: Who are you?

Laigle: *appears behind Enjolras, Joly at his side* Agents Laigle, Joly, and Enjolras, FBI. *flashes a badge*

Joly: We heard there was a riot in progress here. Riots are our specialty, so we came right over.

Enjolras: *shouts at the crowd* Order! There will be order here! All of you, back into your cells!

Inmate #1: *sneers* Make us!

Inmate #2: *dangling from a light fixture* Hehehehehehehe! What're you gonna do if we don't?

Enjolras: *flashes his trademark glare*

__

The rioting inmates immediately begin to shriek and run back into their cells

Enjolras: *dusts himself off arrogantly* Still got it. And as for you three… *glances back at Valjean, Marius, and Javert* Wait a minute…Kalderasha?

Laigle: Enjolras, you know this person?

Javert: *takes a closer look at Enjolras* Boboko! Is it really you, little brother? *hugs Enjolras*

Enjolras: *pulls free* Get away from me, you horrible man!

Javert: But Boboko, little brother--

Enjolras: *turns away, his face stony* I have no brother!

Javert: *bitter* Ah. So, it's still that, is it? You're too good for our family! You don't want to be the son of a convict! You're ashamed of being a Gypsy!

Enjolras: *glowers angrily* Oh, stop it!

Javert: Stop what?

Enjolras: Stop skirting the real issue! You know perfectly well why I really disowned you!

Joly: Why is that?

Enjolras: Because eight years ago, he washed my vest in water too hot for wool! Look! *pulls off his FBI jacket, revealing his usual red vest underneath* It's a whole size smaller than it used to be! I had to lose five pounds just to fit into it properly!

Laigle, Joly, and Marius: *blink, blink*

Enjolras: *suddenly realizes that three of his followers are watching* Oh…uh…but mostly because he's a deluded servant of our oppressors.

Javert: Boboko, you--

Enjolras: *desperate to reclaim some dignity* Shut up! You're under arrest! *cuffs Javert* Let's go!

Javert: *momentarily stunned into submission* What are you…but…b-but…I'm not supposed to get arrested. I'm supposed to arrest others!

Laigle: Our first capture!

Joly: *helps Enjolras get Javert into their black FBI car* Maybe they'll finally give me that job in the biological warfare lab, now that we've proven our worth

Laigle: You want to work in a germ lab? But why?

Joly: Have you seen those marvelous germ-proof suits they give the people who work in those labs? Airtight rubber jumpsuit, sealed helmet, and sterilized shoes scrubbed with bleach. *lights up like a child a Christmas* Mmm…maybe they'd let me take it home on weekends…

Valjean: *watches from the doorway with a knowing smile* Perhaps this will be a good experience for Javert. He'll be able to get a taste of his own medicine for a change. But I'd better go along, and make sure he doesn't get himself into trouble. *climbs into the car*

Marius: *crawls in next to him* Wait for me, Monsieur Fauchelevent! I'm coming with you. If something were to happen to you, Cosette would never forgive me!

Valjean: *shoots him a look that could burn a hole into a brick wall* This whole ordeal has really worn me out, so instead of killing you, I'm just going to do this *whacks him upside the head with Javert's fallen nightstick*

Walter: *jumps onto Marius' lap* Ruff, ruff, ruff!

Marius: *shuts the door* Of course, Walter. I'd never leave you behind.

Enjolras: *hops into the driver's seat* Let's roll

Javert: But Boboko, I'm your brother!

Laigle: *slips into the front seat* Why does he keep calling you Boboko?

Enjolras: *buckles his seatbelt* That's my first name

Joly: *climbs in beside Laigle* Uh…it is?

Enjolras: Of course. What did you think?

Joly: Oh…I don't know. I guess you always seemed more like a Marcelin to me.

Enjolras: No. Marcelin's not a proper Romany name. It's Boboko *drives away from the nuthouse*

Laigle: Are you sure it's not Marcelin? Maybe there was some sort of mistake on your birth certificate.

Enjolras: No.

Laigle: Can't we just call you Marcelin?

Enjolras: No!

__

They are interrupted by the sound of rocks hitting the side of the car

Enjolras: *annoyed* What now? *jumps out of the car* All right, you little wretches! What's the meaning of this?

__

He comes face to face with Eponine and Gavroche, each holding several large rocks

Gavroche: *stops in mid-throw* Enjolras?

Enjolras: *groans* Gamin! I should have known! *grabs him by the shoulder* I'm going to lock you up and throw away the key!

Javert: *pokes his head out the window* Oh, no you don't! I have first dibs on the gamin! He cut off my ponytail!

Enjolras: You mean you want to have little Gavroche put in jail?

Javert: Yes!

Enjolras: *evil grin* Well, gamin, in that case, you're free to go

Javert: *slumps back into the car, pouting*

Eponine: We're sorry about your car, Monsieur Enjolras. You see, we were walking down the street an hour or two ago with a frrrrr….with a friii…frrrr…. *winces, as if in pain*

Gavroche: *nudges her* Come on, Eponine. I know you can say it

Eponine: With a f-frrr-friend…named Cosette Fauchelevent. Then, all of a sudden, a black van with tinted windows, like yours, comes along. A couple of men jumped out, pulled her inside, and drove off with her.

Laigle: *pops up through the sunroof* A kidnapping?

Joly: *joins him* This looks like a job for the FBI!

Enjolras: Hop in, Mlle. Thenardier. You too, Gavroche.

Eponine: *climbs into the backseat, coming face to face with…* Monsieur Marius! *jumps into his lap and flings her arms around his neck*

Marius: *choke* *cough* Hello, Eponine.

Eponine: *oblivious to the fact that her embrace is strangling him* Thank God I've found you! I'll be safe as long as I'm with my Marius *leans against him dreamily*

Valjean: *turns green*

Gavroche: * sits beside his sister and makes fake vomiting noises*

Marius: *doing his best to discreetly squirm away from her* I couldn't help but overhear you mention Cosette.

Valjean: *pushes Marius aside* Yes, where is she? Is she all right?

Eponine: I don't know. We had just escaped from our deranged foster family, and were looking around town for Monsieur Marius--

Valjean: Why?

Eponine: *drapes herself over Marius once more* We knew he would be able to get us home somehow, what with all of his intelligence, and bravery, and youthfully handsome good looks…*besotted sigh*

Gavroche: *eyeroll* I just went along to make sure they didn't walk into a wall or something while they were busy arguing over what they liked best about him.

Marius: *leans as far away from her as he politely can* Ahem. Yes. Go on.

Eponine: Well, we were walking down the street, when all of a sudden, we ran across this place called a dating agency. The sign on the door claimed that the people inside had technology that would be able to find the man of our dreams in under an hour. We figured that was way faster than we would be able to find you on our own, so we went inside and asked them to help us

Marius: Yes?

Eponine: When we gave them your name and description and asked them to track you down, though, they didn't do anything. Everyone just stood around looking at us as if we were insane. Finally, Cosette and I figured out that they weren't going to help us because they wanted to keep you for themselves.

Marius: *quirks eyebrow* Uh…I see…Go on.

Eponine: So we went back outside to resume the search, when a van like this one pulled up. Two men jumped out, snatched Cosette, and sped off again. We still don't know who they are or what they wanted with her.

Marius: *gasp* Cosette!

Valjean: *gasp* My poor little girl!

Walter: *bark*

Eponine: The only clue they left us was this business card we found on the ground. And it didn't really make any sense to me.

Gavroche: *snatches it* Wait a minute! Let me see that card again! *looks it over* Of course! 

Valjean: What? What does it say?

Gavroche: *reads it aloud* _Carlton Henserdorffer the Third, producer, The Oprah Winfrey Show_

Marius: What's that?

Gavroche: I saw some commercials for it on TV, back at the Trimble place. As far as I can tell, it's some program where women come on TV to advertise their autobiographies and talk about how liberated they are.

Enjolras: Liberated, huh? Sounds like my kind of program! To Hollywood! *steps on the accelerator*

__

At the studio:

Oprah: *cheesy smile and wave* Thank you, thank you. Next, we'll take a look at a courageous young woman who found the strength to survive through a very difficult situation. Fantine, come on out!

*Wild applause*

Fantine: *wearing a ridiculously expensive foreign dress, with her hair heavily sprayed and styled to look halfway passable* Thank you, everyone *blushes shyly* But actually, I didn't survive

Oprah: *cough* Uh…right. Take a seat

Fantine: *sits*

Oprah: So, Ms.--what was your last name?

Fantine: I don't have one

Audience: *murmurs doubtfully*

Suit #3: *peeks out from backstage* She's like Cher

Audience: Oh! *murmurs approvingly*

Oprah: So, Fantine, tell us about yourself

Fantine: *hesitant smile* Well, I was brought up in an orphanage--

Audience: *sympathetic* Awww!

Fantine: But it got to be too crowded, so I had to leave when I was fourteen. I got a job in a factory, where I was able to earn a comfortable living--

Audience: *cheers and whistles*

Fantine: Then, one day I met a nice young man name Felix Tholomyes--

Audience: Awww!

Fantine: And we had a daughter named Cosette--

Audience: Awww!

Fantine: Then he went off and abandoned us

Audience: Boo! *spits and hisses, various profanity being blocked by beeping machine*

Fantine: *wary* You mean you aren't going to ostracize me for having a child out of wedlock? Everyone else does

Audience: *sympathetic* Awww!

Fantine: So, anyway, after he abandoned us--

Audience: Boo!

Fantine: Nobody would hire me, because of my daughter--

Audience: Boo!

Fantine: So, I was forced to leave her with two awful foster parents--

Audience: *sympathetic* Awww!

Fantine: And I never saw her again *sniffle*

Audience: Awww!

Oprah: *sneaky smile* Well, Fantine, my hired goons have been hard at work, searching the country for your daughter. Cosette, come on out!

Cosette: *clambers onto the stage, slightly blinded by the bright lights* Maman!

Fantine: Cosette! *runs to embrace her*

Audience: Awww! *applause*

Fantine: Are you well, dear? Did the Thenardiers take good care of you?

Cosette: Why do you ask?

Fantine: Because your eyes look a little funny. Kind of like you might have a concussion

Cosette: Oh, that. Well, the men who brought me here clubbed me over the head when they kidnapped me.

Fantine: *horrified* Kidnapped?!

Oprah: *looks nervous* Go to a commercial! Go to a commercial!

Enjolras: *bursts through the door, with Marius, Joly, Laigle, Valjean, Eponine, and Gavroche in tow* Agent Enjolras, FBI! *flashes badge* Oprah Winfrey, you're under arrest for conspiracy to commit kidnapping!

Cosette: *notices Marius and runs to him* Marius!

Marius: Sugarplum! *runs to Cosette*

__

They fall into each others' arms, with "Love Is A Many Splendored Thing" playing somewhere offstage

Audience: Awww!

Cosette: I knew you'd come for me, Marius! *notices Walter* And who's this?

Walter: *bark, bark*

Cosette: Pleased to meet you, Walter. *notices Valjean standing behind Marius, poised to strike him in the brainstem with Javert's nightstick* Daddy! Put that down!

Valjean: But I--

Cosette: Not a word! You can't just keep beating up all my boyfriends!

Marius: *suspicious* All? What do you mean, _all_?

Cosette: *nervous laugh* But that's all in the past, isn't it? Maman, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Marius Pontmercy.

Marius: *bows politely* Hello

Fantine: *looks him over* So, you're my daughter's boyfriend

Marius: Yes, ma'am

Fantine: *eyes him suspiciously* And what do you do?

Marius: I'm a washed up lawyer and half-hearted revolutionary

Fantine: Do you earn enough money doing that to support a family?

Marius: I don't know

Valjean: Will that kind of life provide an environment stable enough for my daughter?

Marius: I-I-I…

Cosette: Maman, Papa, leave him alone

Fantine: You didn't answer the question! Are you trying to avoid commitment? You wouldn't be planning to…I don't know…say, *gets up in his face* ABANDON MY DAUGHTER AND GRANDDAUGHTER!!!

Marius: *stumbles backwards* You haven't got any granddaughter yet--

Valjean: *grabs him by the collar* Don't change the subject, boy!

Cosette: Mama! Papa! You're embarrassing me! *pulls Marius free* Don't mind them, darling.

Eponine: *pulls him aside* You know, Monsieur Marius, one point in my favor is that my parents don't care what I do.

Enjolras: *standing nearby, holding Oprah in handcuffs* Everybody be quiet for a moment! *pulls out a beeping walkie-talkie and puts it to his ear* This is Agent Enjolras, come in HQ. *frowns, tapping on the walkie talkie* HQ? HQ, this is Agent Enjolras, over. *taps it again* This thing's not working. I've been sabotaged! *to the security guards* Seal the exits! There's terrorism afoot!

Laigle: Uh, Enjolras? It's upside down

Enjolras: *turns red* I knew that. Just wanted to make sure you were on your toes *flips it around* HQ? Yes? Uh-huh. I see. Right away. *puts it away* There's been another riot! We'll have to deal with this kidnapper later! *tosses the cuffed talk show host aside*

__

Everybody runs for the FBI car

Javert: *cuffed to the middle seat* Great, just great. Now, in addition to Boboko, 24601, the gamin, the gamine, and the rebels, I've got the hooker to put up with!

Laigle: *to Enjolras* Can we _please _just stuff him in the trunk?

Enjolras: *evil grin* An excellent idea

__

Continued…


	8. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

__

Agent Enjolras and company drive up to a large office building, coming face to face with a rowdy mob

Enjolras: *whips out his submachine gun* Come along, Laigle, Joly. This looks like it could erupt into a riot at any moment.

Laigle: Uh, maybe we ought to be merciful and bring Pontmercy with us *jerks his head toward Marius, who is trying very hard not to cringe as Fantine and Valjean stare him down*

Enjolras: *smirk* It's his own fault for having the audacity to fall in love

Laigle: Well, can you at least let the Inspector out of the trunk? He hasn't said a word in a half hour. I think he might be unconscious.

Enjolras: *glare* It's his own fault for having the audacity to insult us

Joly: Well, maybe it would be a good idea to at least bring the gamin along. His face is positively green. I think he's getting carsick.

Enjolras: *wince* It's his own fault for having the audacity to throw up on my shoes. Now, put on your riot armor and let's go *into a bullhorn* Attention! You will get only one warning! If you rioters do not disperse immediately, I will be forced to used my glare on you!

The Mob: Damn your warnings and your lies! You will see the people rise!

Joly: Say, Enjolras, isn't that your line?

Enjolras: *startled* Why, yes, it is *narrows his eyes* That's it! Now it's personal! *charges the mob*

Combeferre: *peeks out of the crowd* Enjolras? Enjolras, is that you?

Enjolras: *lowers submachine gun* Combeferre? What are you doing here?

Courfeyrac: *worms his way out of the throng* Hey, Combeferre, what's all the-- Enjolras? What are you doing here?

Enjolras: Courfeyrac! You too? *rolls his eyes* Have ALL my followers turned against me?

__

Jehan, Bahorel, and Feuilly appear

Enjolras: *glare* So, _you're _the ones who stole my line. My own comrades! What are you even doing here? You were supposed to be looking for a way back home!

Combeferre: Well, I was trying to, but while we were out searching, _Jehan-- *_looks pointedly at Jehan* --met a group of…what were they called, Jehan?

Jehan: Rappers. They were performing what seemed to be a bizarre form of poetry on a street corner. Since I rarely get the chance to speak to fellow poets, I stopped to ask them about it. *shuffles his feet* It…uh…didn't go well.

Enjolras: *sigh* What happened?

Jehan: I told them that studying the poetry of Petrarch and Dante might have a good influence on their work. I also suggested that keeping a few flowers around might help bring them inspiration.

Laigle: Then what?

Jehan: *looks embarrassed* Well, um, they….er…. 

Combeferre: *unsuccessfully trying to suppress a snicker* They mistook him for a girl!

__

Laigle, Joly, Combeferre, Courfeyrac, and Bahorel burst out laughing.

Jehan: *blushing furiously* Shut up!

Enjolras: *rather amused* Then what happened?

Jehan: One of them made a pass at me, and I socked him in the face

__

The Amis crumple to the ground, roaring hysterically

Jehan: Stop that! *stamps his foot* It's not funny!

Combeferre: *starting to recover* We spent the next few hours running from them, till we came upon this angry mob, trying to storm this building. Upon finding an angry mob preparing to riot, I naturally assumed that you were somewhere nearby, and decided to investigate.

Jehan: When we found out more about these people's cause, we decided to use our knowledge of the fine art of rioting to help them out.

Joly: Just what _is_ their cause, anyway?

Feuilly: Well, you see, this building is the center of--*dramatic pause* _an international telemarketing corporation!_

Laigle: What's telemarketing?

Feuilly: *shrug* Beats me, but from what they've told us, we've gathered that it's a great evil in this day and age.

Bahorel: And we're going to lead these people to victory against it!

__

A cheer rises up from the mob

Enjolras: Bahorel, Feuilly, you never explained how you two wound up here.

Bahorel: We were trying to escape from an idiotic pseudo-clergyman named Zaurak Triangulum. We figured it would be easy to lose him in a crowd this size

Enjolras: *sighs knowingly* And you, Courfeyrac? You were supposed to stay with Pontmercy! He was locked up in an insane asylum when I found him. Where were you?

Courfeyrac: Well, it's a very long story.

Enjolras: I'm waiting

Courfeyrac: *sheepish* Well, we got a little lost, and accidentally wandered into something called a strip club. He fainted the minute he realized where he was, and that wonder dog of his had to go and get him an ambulance. I was a little preoccupied, and didn't quite catch the name of the hospital where they had sent him. *skillfully changes the subject* And where exactly have you been? And what's with the outfit?

Laigle: We're with the FBI now.

Joly: And they've sent us to arrest you

Combeferre: *blink* What?

Courfeyrac: You can't be serious!

Enjolras: Sorry, but if I don't obey their orders, they'll take this nifty new gun away.

Laigle: Enjolras, maybe we should rethink this. We can't arrest our friends, for God's sake!

Joly: Yeah. Terrorizing inspectors and talk show hosts is one thing, but…

Enjolras: Sorry, but the decision stands

Bahorel: You're insane!

Jehan: Laigle, Joly, can't you do something?

Laigle: Well…*sly grin* maybe. *to Enjolras* So, does this mean you've decided to dedicate your life to upholding the law?

Enjolras: I guess you could put it that way

Joly: *catching on* Just like your brother, the Inspector?

Enjolras: *pales* Never! *gasps* Oh, God, what was I thinking? I'm not a policeman! I am Boboko Enjolras!

Combeferre, Courfeyrac, Jehan, Feuilly, and Bahorel: Bobo-who?

Enjolras: *ignores them* I don't stop riots! I start them! *tears off his blazer and shades, revealing his vest, and plasters his most heroic expression on his face*

Combeferre: *pats him on the back* Glad to have you back, Fearless Leader

Bahorel: *surveys Enjolras skeptically* I don't know…there's still something missing

The instrumentals of "Do You Hear The People Sing?" boom loudly from the sky

Feuilly: *nods approvingly* That's more like it

Enjolras: Now, let's trash this fortress of telemarketing!

__

The Mob sends up a cheer, and they all fly at the office building.

Valjean: *clumsily drives up in the van, with various Mizzies hanging out of the windows* If you kids are done now, can we be getting a move on? *drums his fingers impatiently*

Combeferre: What do you mean?

Bahorel: Where are we going?

Marius: *standing up through the sunroof* Well, you guys were so busy with your little riot that you seem to have forgotten who our real enemy is.

Jehan: Who?

Marius: The author of this stupid fanfic, of course. Now, are you going to come and face her with us, or would you rather stay here, in this land of telemarketers and Oprah?

__

The Amis pile into the car without hesitation

Gavroche: Hey, move over! The window seat's mine!

Courfeyrac: *eyeroll* Oh, settle down

Gavroche: *evil grin* Don't make me throw up on your shoes, too.

__

Everyone simultaneously scoots as far away from him as possible

Gavroche: *stretches lazily* Heh heh *to himself* The things a fellow has to do for leg room around here!

Eponine: *scowls at Marius and Cosette, who are snuggling peacefully in the seat across from her* That's it, I've had enough of this. *shoves Enjolras off his seat* Move over!

Enjolras: *growl* Don't make me put you in the trunk with Kalderasha, gamine *moves over to sit in front of Gavroche* 

Eponine: *shoves him* Oh, shut up! There is absolutely no way that I am going to spend this entire awful trip listening to my beloved Marius reciting love poetry at that girlfriend of his. *heartbroken sigh* I think I may cry

Combeferre: *sits down next to her* Excuse me, Mademoiselle? May I sit here? I going to ride in the back row, but there's a lot of loud cursing coming from the trunk, and it's starting to annoy me.

Eponine: *looks him over* Well, sure! *scoots closer to him* And what's your name, handsome? *flirty smile*

Combeferre: *slightly disconcerted* Uh…uh…uh…

Marius: *covertly watching this exchange* Hehe! Will you look at that? Cosette, Walter, I'm free!

Valjean: Everybody seated?

Fantine: *from the front seat* Don't forget your seatbelts, kids!

Valjean: *pulls onto the freeway* Let's roll!

Gavroche: *points out the window* Say, isn't that Grantaire?

Enjolras: *follows his finger, then winces* Ugh. I sure hope not

Grantaire: *wearing neatly pressed slacks and a golf shirt* That's it, kids! Excellent work! Keep it up, and maybe we'll be able to fit in a game of softball before it's time to go home.

__

A group of children are picking up trash on the freeway, planting trees at the side of the road, and singing contemporary Christian music as they work

Grantaire: *kneels next to a small girl* Here, let me help you with those flower boxes, dear. They must be awfully heavy.

Enjolras: *pokes his head out of the window* Valjean, pull over. Grantaire, what are you doing?

Grantaire: *smiles pleasantly* Enjolras, old friend, good to see you!

Courfeyrac: What the hell is the matter with you? Who are all these kids?

Grantaire: Well, I've become head of a group that provides guidance and love to wayward children. After I finished Alcoholics Anonymous, my priest told me that giving something back to the community would help keep my mind off of drinking.

Gavroche: *goes as white as a ghost* You…don't drink anymore?

Grantaire: Nope. *beams proudly* But I can't take all the credit, though. I never would have made it without the help of my dear fiancee, Penelope *smiles adoringly at her*

Gavroche: *backs away from the window* Agh! He's scaring me!

Laigle: *puts an arm around the gamin protectively* Me too, Gavroche, me too.

Littlest Boy: *tugs at Grantaire's sleeve* Uncle Francois? We're done now.

Grantaire: Wonderful! Now, children, let's all get in a circle and offer a prayer of thanks to the Lord.

Valjean: What a fine young man

Gavroche: AGH!

Bahorel: This is just creepy

Marius: He's finally cracked!

Walter: *barks an agreement*

Eponine: What's wrong with all of you? 

Cosette: He seems nice enough to me

Fantine: Very well-mannered, too.

Enjolras: *deeply shaken* Dear God, they're right. The winecask is being polite and hard-working!

Gavroche: AAAAAGH!

Combeferre: We've got to get out of here!

Marius: But shouldn't we try to do something about Grantaire?

Enjolras: There's nothing we can do now that he's fallen victim to that horrible author! We've got to hurry! Any one of us could be next!

__

A few hours later, the carload of Mizzies pulls up in front of the author's house

Eponine: About time!

Cosette: *sarcastic* Really, Daddy, could you have possibly driven any slower?

Valjean: Don't blame me. It wouldn't have taken twice as long if we hadn't gotten stopped by all those policemen

Eponine: *glares at her brother* Yes, because Gavroche simply had to spit out the window_ every _time he saw a convertible

Gavroche: Hey, at least I didn't throw any eggs like those kids on TV did

Eponine: I'm getting really sick of hearing about this "TV" thing, Gav.

Fantine: Now, children, there's no need to bicker. In a few minutes, with any luck, this whole ordeal will be over.

Enjolras: *shoots the lock on the front door off with his gun and kicks it open

The Lark: *sitting inside at her computer* Um, actually, Monsieur Enjolras, it wasn't locked.

Enjolras: Silence!

Valjean: We've come to demand that you stop this ridiculous piece of fanfic and return us to our time immediately.

The Lark: I'm afraid I can't do that.

Cosette: But why?

The Lark: Because it's summer vacation, and I'm bored.

Enjolras: But--

The Lark: Don't push me. I can be very cruel when I'm bored *begins to type* **And then Enjolras, for no apparent reason, began to turn into a giant Treasure Troll with blue hair**

Enjolras: *turns to plastic and starts to get pointed ears, his hair tinged with blue* STOP THAT! *knocks the author out of her chair and begins to type*

Gavroche: Yes!

Eponine: Save us, Enjolras!

Enjolras: *typing* **First of all, Enjolras turned back into a human. Then, as soon as he was back to normal, a swarm of journalists descended on him to announce that he had been elected Premier of France**

Paparazzi: *bang at the windows* It's him! We found him

Enjolras: Yes!

Paparazzi: Can we have an interview, Your Excellency?

The Lark: *knocks him aside* That's enough! *deletes his words and begins typing again*** And then, Marius got a sudden urge to join a motorcycle gang**

Marius: *his clothes suddenly replaced with biker leather and a helmet* Hey! Quit it! *pushes her away and types* **And then, the Emperor Napoleon descended from heaven to take over the world and lead us to a new and glorious future!**

__

Troops in Napoleonic dress uniforms are seen marching down the street outside the window

Marius: Yes!

Valjean: Stupid boy! *snatches the keyboard* **And then, Cosette saw Marius for the deceitful seducer that he was and decided to marry that nice Grantaire boy instead**

Cosette: *slaps Marius* I don't know what I ever saw in you, you pig!

Valjean and Fantine: *covert laughter*

The Lark: That's enough! *takes back the keyboard and deletes all their words* If you're going to--ow!

Gavroche: *whacks her with a nearby baseball bat and snatches the keyboard* **And then, without warning, Lord Voldemort swooped down on a broomstick and destroyed the evil fan fiction author!**

Lord Voldemort: *flies in and pulls out his wand* Avada Kedavra!

The Lark: *dodges the curse* Hey!

Gavroche: *continues to type* **He then enlisted the help of Sauron and several other villains I saw on TV**

__

A lot of dark, caped villains appear and begin to attack

The Lark: *ducks and steals the keyboard back* That's it! I've had enough of this fanfic! Fine, fine, I'll send you all back *types wildly* **And then the author got sick of the Mizzies and sent them all home, safe and sound**

__

Cosette, Eponine, Gavroche, Marius, Valjean, Fantine, and the Amis all disappear, one by one.

The Lark: *breathes a sigh of relief* That's better. Though I can't shake the feeling that I'm forgetting something…

Javert: *still tied up in the trunk outside* Hello? Hello? *bangs on the hood* Boboko, do be reasonable! It's a hundred and ten degrees outside! *kicks angrily* Boboko? Anybody? Get me out of here! 

THE END


End file.
